BACK AGAIN, SORT OF.

TWO YEARS.  Two years (on average) since my last post and holy shit, everything and nothing has happened.  In your early twenties it can seem as if you are constantly stuck in the one place waiting to grow and just waiting for that moment you feel like an adult but after reading old posts of posts of mine, I have realised that shit, I have changed exponentially the past year, even the past year and I want to acknowledged that and give myself credit for it.

So where (and who) am I now?  Well, for starters, I am a 23 year old Scottish 'lass'. As I am writing this it is currently 9.14am on Tuesday 2nd April 2019, I am now four days away from handing in my fourth year 15,000 literature dissertation (I live in Scotland, hence why it is 4 years) and after another sleepless night I am procrastinating. Sleep patterns do not currently exist.  As I begin to end this chapter of my life and begin another I wish to reflect, particularly on the past year and instead of telling you a long, possibly boring story I will just illustrate all the things that I can think of that I have learnt about myself.

The past year has been a year I have learnt more about my brain and my body and how it all works, specifically mine, and without getting too personal, here we go.   I am beginning to learn how my BPD works and also how it has affected my relationships with others and myself, why I react to thinks in certain ways, but most importantly I am also trying to learn that I should not be ashamed of it or ignore it, just accept it as a fragment, a speckle of sand in the grand scheme of myself.  Also, I am in therapy, which is helping and I am happy I am taking control of my mental health, as much as I feel capable of doing that is.  I have also learned that I have a 'condition' called autoimmune hypothyroidism' which sounds rather scary but it really is not, and going to the doctors to get on antibiotics was one of the best things I could have done for myself this year, so all in all doctors=brilliant, and I am a firm believer in if you do not know what the issue is, you can't help it, so you might as well get all the information available to you.

My bisexuality is not 50/50 and that is okay and I do not need to put a number on it. I do not know how much I am attracted sexually or romantically to the males or to the females, but that is okay, it does not need to be defined.  The start of last year, my three year relationship ended, he was and still remains my best friend, he is my closest rock and yes, I am definitely still attached but it is okay. I then proceeded to get into another relationship very rapidly with one of the kindest people I have ever known, she has taught me to be kind and patient, yet also that sometimes people are good for each other but the timing makes it wrong.  So I am at a point right now, where I am focusing on me, myself and I, and I am trying to get myself to believe that it is okay.

Ultimately, this little space on the internet does not represent who I have grown to be to this point in my life, so we are going to be getting a little revamping. But, enough doom and gloom, GOOD THINGS that happened the past year.

I volunteered as a mental health volunteer in Sri Lanka for 5 weeks.

-That was absolutely, one of the best experiences of my life, may do a post about it. 

I have came closer and closer to finishing my degree (with a possible good mark).

- Only a week to go!!

I watched my sister get married.

I discovered a love for Italy and have made plans to go there.

I like myself a lot more.

My family booked a trip to New York for this September.

I visited my best friend down in London and we went to see Matilda. 

I passed my theory test and sitting my practical soon.

So, here is some more information about 23 year old me 

I am still obsessed with Canada.

Now, more so with Italy.

I am more secure in myself. 

I read a lot more.

My sense of style is growing (sort of).

Lucas Graham is now my love, his purple album is gold.

I am so ready to be finished with University.

I am moving into a flat by myself in the next month.

I am moving to a new city in the next month.

I am starting a new, full time job next month.

I am excited and apprehensive about all three things. 

I may get a cat. 

I am learning to drive (finally).

I like driving.

I am getting more comfortable with who I am and how my brain works.

I try to remain positive

At the end of it all, we am not stagnant, we are constantly growing and changing and sometimes it is east to forget. 

OFFICIALLY GROWN | 21 YEARS

So I recently turned 21 and I thought I would tell you 21 things I have learnt in 21 years. Original, I know

It is okay to be yourself

Elvis is unable to marry you, look elsewhere (this one hurts) 

There is always Martin Freeman

Canada is where your soul belongs, just wait. 

My mum is wonderful

I adore cooking and the end result (FOOD)

Watching FRIENDS on repeat is nothing to be ashamed of, it's a classic

 Travelling with lighten your spirits, do it as much as possible

 Things get better if you push through will all of your force 

 Plants are spectacular

 Pixar and Disney make my heart smile

Sometimes you lose friends, but that is okay

Friends: quality over quantity

 It is important to tell the people you love that you love them

 Almond butter is way better than peanut butter

 Games are fun, particularly Last Of Us and Uncharted (2 and 4) 

Fruit and veg are actually pretty good, who knew?

Animals make me soar and I will never harm them

Taking time to look after yourself is important 

Depression fucking sucks

 But I and you will be okay

Love, Tay.

THOUGHTS | YOU ARE MORE

It's 3am and these were some thoughts: 

I am someone who adores the spark in my loved one’s eyes, as if there is no lie or deceit.

I am not my degree, someone who is bound by handcuffs to only have one interest or passion.

  Someone who has to read two books every week and yet feel ashamed leaving the seminar class as I was too exhausted to finish so I read the last chapter summary on Spark notes on the bus.

A vegetarian who fell in love with animals and swore to never harm. 

Someone who fell in love with cooking as if I could create a beautiful, delicious meal I could live another day and do it again.

Someone who is at a was with their own mind who is drowning and crumbling under boulders when all they are searching for is peace and silence in the crowd.Is the fact that my bed is not made going to hurt my family or make me fail my exams, realistically probably not.

I am someone who loves unconditionally and silently as walls are too high to climb.

Someone who loves dancing till my feet are screaming for slippers instead of heels.

But also lying in bed an hour after I wake up wondering how the world came about whilst thinking if Mildred is the right name for my stuffed bear.

I am someone who is silent, yet loud, extrovert yet introvert.  Someone who can feel like they can travel anywhere, learn any language, bleeding with independence and ready for adulthood.  Yet riddled with self-doubt and feeling like I should be back in Primary 1, sitting on the floor at assembly on the first day wishing I could start again.

Snapping back into reality with less than 24 hours to write a 2,500 words on the importance of something that may seem relevant now but won’t in 25 hours.

Someone who is realising that the card that has been dealt is your card, no swapping like the in the game of poker.Your card is what you get and are, at times unfortunately, are stuck with while you contemplate whether to fold or to stay in the game.

But it is worth seeing all the possibilities as there is always more than one.

I am a bundle of imperfections, striving for the impossibilities of the perfection of my own world.

But I am also someone who is proud to love and not bound by the limitations and restrictions of gender or race.  

Someone who believes that everything has an element of beauty.

Love, Tay.

TRAVEL | AMSTERDAM 2016

Oh, Amsterdam...

Last week I took a break with my friends from university and we went to travel the beautiful city of wonders that is Amsterdam during Pride week. Amsterdam is the most sensational city I have ever been to.  The feeling of anything goes and anything can happen just resonates with you as soon as you step off that plane. 

Amsterdam has more than 150 canals, 1250 bridges, 170 nationalities, 500 red light windows, thousands of nooks and crannies of coffee shops and souvenir shops and millions of bikes. Although there is so much going on around you, it never ever feels crowded, never any shred of anxiety when walking through all the different people from different walks of life just living peacefully and blissfully amongst one another.

one of many cannals

Amsterdam is the city of love, acceptance and freedom.  Walking through the pride street party, I was overwhelmed by happiness and love. There was no sense of being afraid to be exactly who you are.  Every single person was bursting with individuality and it was so sensational to see people expressing themselves and their sexuality without fear. Proud to love, love freely and openly. Always.

Pride <3

The city of history, architecture and art.  The Rijksmuseum had the most stunning architecture I had ever seen, being someone who adores art, it was my haven. If you are an artist of just an art appreciator, the Rijksmuseum needs to be on everyone’s to-do list. The Van Gough museum was visually stunning also.  However, the ultimate highlight of the tourist attractions for me was the Anne Frank House.  Myself and three of my friends waited an hour and a half (didn’t feel that long as we had our witty banter to pass the time). The struggle and the beauty of Anne Frank’s strength is inspiring to no end.  The way the museum handled the house and the possessions of Anne Frank and that of her family was so respectful and beautiful to see.  It brought a tear to my eye as it is very real and you are taken back to that time, to really try to understand the struggle that was all too real for Anne Frank herself.

Rijksmuseum 

so beautiful.

The city itself was just magical, there was no sense of obligations, you could just wander the streets, admiring the beauty through the sunny days and the long nights. Enjoy the pleasures in life of friends, laughter, sex, art, architecture, cuisine (oh the food… Wok to Walk was my personal favourite, so delicious!), and so much more.

Riding bikes through Vondelpark

Obviously, in Amsterdam there are a few things that are legal, that is not in the UK. Myself and my friends took a peak in the red light district and the coffee shops and I have come to the realisation that Amsterdam is the most accepting and chilled out city. Britain, I have found, can be a little bit of a prude. It is the exact opposite in Amsterdam. There is no shame and at first, I’ll admit it is strange to see, but it really is an eye opener to see the beliefs of another country. That to which is so different from my own. In all honestly, sex is nothing to be ashamed of, it is a perfectly natural thing to do (further blog post on this topic)

funky art on the walls in our hotel.

Thank you Amsterdam for opening my eyes and my heart, I will see you soon.

Love,

Tay

ADVICE | UNIVERSITY

For those of you who don’t know, I am studying English and Psychology at university.  I am halfway through university and I feel like there are lessons I have taken on board that I want to share with you guys.

Via rhapsodys.tumblr.com

1.     You will find a lot about the diversity of people.  For example, I was not very educated on the subject of gender. One of the bravest people I know and a best friend of mine is transgender.  It is amazing to see how much he has grown in the past 10 months.  His strength, beauty and resilience is an inspiration to me every day.

2.     Adding to this, you are going to meet so many people who are on different paths and it truly is so important that you accept them and be there for them.  You have no idea what anyone is going through or what kind of day the really have had. All you can do is be kind and respectful. Listening.  Listening is always a good idea.  Educate yourself on issues of sexuality, gender and mental health as just being around someone who understands, or is at least trying to can often be the biggest relief.

3.     There are going to be times where it all just gets a little too much.  When I feel that way sometimes all I need is to spend time by myself. It works wonders. You need to rejuvenate if your brain and your body are working too hard to keep you sane.  So just breath and take some time to just take a walk, read, write or even just to lie, a nap is also always a good idea (except if you have an essay due very shortly, get it done to the best of your ability, then chill. But take care of your health, literal and mental

4.     Grades are more important than parties. Work your bloomin arse off.  Your assignments come first. You are at university to get a degree, so work for it. Get your work done first and then go play that game of ring of fire. Less stressful that way. Trying to finish an essay whilst hungover and is due in an hour.  Worst feeling, so stressful.  Done it once in first year and never again.

5.     Adding on to that point. Do not feel pressured into drinking at university (or in general). Sometimes it is even more fun to laugh at all the silliness everyone gets up to.  Just do your own thing.

6.     Be neutral.  In your flat, there will most likely be a clash or personalities. However, I try my best to do this in all my friendship. Unless there is an obvious moral high ground, I tend to not take sides and just be supportive of all of my friends. But if you are the one in the fight, do not be afraid or too proud to admit when you are in the wrong or just being a dick because you were stressed, everyone is stressed. So do not take your anger out on anyone and apologise asap if you do.

  

7.     You can deal with a lot more shit than you think. In first year I suffered a lot with anxiety and OCD (if you want me to do a post about that and how I deal with those hurdles in my life let me know in the comments) and it was horrendous.  But it is just temporary, just breath. You can deal with it.

8.     You will get to know yourself in ways you did not think was possible; beliefs, sexuality, habits, tolerations, passions, and so much more. It’s exciting, let it happen. Getting to know yourself is an essential thing, it helps you cope with troubles.

9.     Savour everything. Enjoy everything. The tears, the heartache, the horrendously embarrassing photos on facebook from the night before., the late nights, the takeout food at 3am. It is all part of the experience. 

10.  HAVE FUN. Just enjoy being at university, it goes by way too fast and it is stressful as hell but it is insanely worthwhile.  My two bits of advice would be to do your own thing and work your arse off!

 I wanted to do this primarily as before I went back to university I was so excited to start but I was terrified that I would not like it.  But honestly do not worry, just breath!  Also if you are currently at university or have finished, how was your university experience, let’s get a conversation going to help those starting in September!

Love, Tay.

TRAVEL | CANADA

Getting away from your usual routine really frees your mind of all negativity and just embraces creativity. Your senses are on fire with your new surroundings and the beauty that you are breathing in.

One of my favourite places in the entire world in Canada. It is the place I feel most at home and most comfortable with myself.  However unfortunately for me I was born in the UK. My mothers’ side of the family lives out there (lucky bastards) and I have visited Canada often throughout my life, but in my eyes not often enough. 

A year ago I hopped on a plane to Vancouver with my family and left all my troubles in the UK.  Spending time with my family whilst touring BC and Alberta was the most amazing experience of my life to date. Seeing my family and I felt so alive and so fresh.  Canadians, you are lucky souls to live in such a glorious country. 

However, being away for a whole month gave me new insights, new perspectives, new experiences and I felt so new and alive. I had a lot of time to just consider my life and my circumstances at that time back in the UK and I came to many conclusions. 

  But first let me show you the beautiful country that is Cadana, particularly the west coast. Which included Vancouver, Whistler, Revelstock, Calgary, Fort MacLeod, Canmore, Banff, Golden, Lake Louise, Jasper, Kamloops, Vancouver Island - Victoria and then back to Vancouver.

Here are a few snaps I took of this beautiful country!

As you may tell, we visited a lot of places, Vancouver was probably my favourite, just beautiful, with the skyscrapers, the harbour and Stanley park.  Just being in Vancouver, I felt so creative and just the need to be happy and healthy in my life! I have come to the conclusion that after I have finished university I will be moving to Vancouver; it is where I feel like my heart belongs.

 I also had the ability to take part in the most thrilling activities of going horseback riding through the rockies, flyover Canada, white water rafting. Oh you Canadians, I do love you and your sensationally beautiful country so much.

Let me know in the comments where your favourite places are and why I would love to know.

Keep exploring,

Love, Tay.

SCREW LABELS

 I have been thinking a lot about the Orlando tragedy a lot recently and my heart goes out completely to all the people who are survivors of the tragic event and what they must be feeling.  My heart also goes out to all the loved ones of the people who lost their life that night.  What has this world came to? Seriously? Just let people be themselves, it is none of your concern what gender they identify as, who they fall in love with it is none of your concern.  JUST LET PEOPLE BE HAPPY.

image taken from google images

There has been a complete sense of community on twitter recently, just full of support for the Orlando victims and also for the family and friends of Christina Grimmie, who was killed the night before this tragedy.  Christina Grimmie was a huge influence to me, she made me realise that it is okay to be yourself and it even better to be weird and silly sometimes.  She will be greatly missed.

I have been seeing a lot of posts by her friends and devoted fans saying how talented she was, how hilarious she was and how inspiring she was to this world. Yes I do believe she was all of these things. But she was also so much more. She was beautiful, a gamer, a lover of music and seeing bands. This got me thinking that we are not one thing. There are so many aspects our personalities that mash together to make you, you.

 I am going to let you know what I identify as parts of me. I would like to note that I don't ever see the point of labels, it just creates discrimination for no reason whatsoever.  I encourage you all to do the same thing. Diversity is beautiful you guys. 

  In no particular order; 

I am... 

female and I identify as female
not a girly girl 

demiromantic

an animal activist and completely against animal cruelty 

a feminist 

a vegetarian and merging into veganism

a music and mario obsesser. 

a lover of all things old looking and strange

not completely completely comfortable with my body 

sexually active

very interested in genetics and heritability

a psychology and English student at university and particular interested in mental illnesses and the treatment due to personal reasons

a writer

an artist 

scottish but I belong in Canada as that is where my family is from

a Canadian obsessor. 

understanding

open minded and a lover of nature and all that is around me

a person who cand eeply understand mental health disorders

extremely curious

a buddist 

a tattoo lover

addicted to laughter 

obsessed with Elvis Presley, LOTR, Simon and Garfunkel, FRIENDS (TV), Orphan Black and many many films.

unsure what I want ever. 

I strongly encourage you all to do this to get rid of this idea that we can only be one thing and we can also get to know each other more! 

Feel free to follow and comment with what you identify as I would love to read them.

Keep believing and doing you,

Love, Tay.